I Shouldn’t Be Here
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more"
I shouldn’t be here.
I shouldn’t be writing this blog. I shouldn’t be here sitting in this chair, sipping this coffee. I shouldn’t be basking in the insanity that a home filled with kids, animals and love brings. I shouldn’t be running my own business and working with amazing people. I shouldn’t be married to the love of my life.
But I am here.
The View from the Edge blog will peel back my protective layers and share where I came from, where I am now and the path in between. It will reveal the highs and lows on the journey. It will also reveal some moments that have bumped me one way or another, influencing my destiny.
As the story unfolds, many people will be surprised. A few years ago, I worked as an I.T. Director with a government agency. At our agency Christmas party, someone came up with an idea to guess other peoples’ backgrounds. Being the director and having completed university led most people to believe I had a shiny, middle-class upbringing plucked straight from the scripts of Ozzie and Harriett. I just nodded, feigning to be impressed with their keen detective skills. No one needed to know any different … until now.
I had a lot of “normal” things in earlier years. I played in bowling and baseball leagues, stayed out as long as I could to play hide and seek, and built snow forts. I rode my bike in the rain and used that same bike to jump over ramps, commonly leaving me in pain, but undeterred in my quest for fun. Yet there were some very dark parts of those days that have been tucked away, not available to the naked eye: drug abuse that pushed away all of my friends, suicide attempts that were a breath away from success, sexual abuse from a person I trusted and alcoholism that lasted for many years.
Until publishing this blog, only a few people knew of these dark areas. In fact, there are some dark areas that I have kept buried in the fields of my past that no one knows about. So why am I opening up now?
I have been reading too many stories of teenagers and others committing suicide or getting caught up in a downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse. I want to let people know that I have been where you are and felt as you do, but that there is light ahead, even if the shadows of now tell you otherwise.
I have also seen fathers who are trying to move forward for themselves and their families, yet there seem to be ties that restrict them. I want to let men know that opening up and letting go of bubbling, haunting memories of the past is not a sign of weakness, but is very liberating – for you, and those around you.
I have also talked to many parents who are confused and dazed by the path their loved ones are on. By telling my story through the eyes of my youth, but with the insights that time brings, I hope to be able to help parents better understand the struggles their children may be going through.
As I begin this journey, I would like to emphasize that I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am not sharing these stories as a professional, but simply as me – one who has been in the trenches and found a way out. This blog will share stories from my childhood up to now, and how the stories sometimes intertwine.
I welcome you to join me on this journey and follow as I share the View from the Edge.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it.
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Hard for me to express myself already with just your first blog. From the things we’ll all be reading & learning about your journey, & the scary feeling & fact you really shouldn’t be here, I just wanna say, I’m just happy as hell you are, it’s too hard to imagine life otherwise. You saw a light, & my hope is many others will as well, teenagers & parents alike. Looking forward to the next blog in your journey. <3
Thanks, Liz. There would have been so much missed, not done, not seen. I am glad I was fortunate to see the ever-brightening light.
Thank you, Randy, for having the courage to share your shadows, pain, and strength with all of us. You are right…there is liberation in speaking of the things that have haunted us most. I look forward to following your blog and journey!
Thank you, Heidi, for joining me on the ride. I am glad to have an angel in my corner.
Hi Randy
I’m a follower of Sipping with Sue.I looking to learn how you found your way back.My lifelong friend recently tried to kill herself .She’s not retuning my calls.Family is keeping me in the loop.
Hi Ruth,
Nice to “meet” you. My journey through those challenges will unfold in the blog, but what I can say is that most people who attempt suicide are communicating (seems obvious, I know). If she is not returning your calls, her message may not even be directed your way or her message is too difficult to put into words.
(Reminder – I am not a psych professional – just someone sharing my path)
Well written Randy, nice start!! I am excited to hear/learn of your experiences that has kept you here and what it is that has made you the inspiration you have become. It takes a lot of strength and courage to “open up” and share the darkest moments in ones life. Congratulations to you, I will be holding your hand (figuratively speaking) along your journey!
Thanks, Darlene. I welcome your warm support. We go through stuff in our past – we can choose to tuck it away or see what meaning lies within. I’ve tucked it way too long. I see some of the meaning now, but I am sure more will open up to me as the journey unfolds.
Randy, this is an amazing opportunity for you to inspire and encourage others. I applaud your willingness for transparency in the hope of giving hope to others. I look forward to joining you as you peel back the layers.
Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate your support.
Super proud of you. Xo
Thanks, Sue. I know you have been encouraging me to start this blog for a while. You love and support have been instrumental in setting this in motion.
Thank you. I have walked the path & now worry about others walking the path. I look forward to this inspiration & comfort.
Thank you, Sue. I worry about the path too – knowing how seductively it can split and fork.
Great job Randy! Our world needs this message so thanks for stepping up.
Thanks, Donna. As borrowed from your website, we learn, we evolve, we flourish – and then we pass it on …
Randy, I congratulate you for having the courage to tell your story.
Looking forward to reading future blogs.
Thanks, Pam. Courage sometimes is a disguise for a driving need to hopefully make a difference. Thanks for joining me on this journey.
I’m very eager to read and try understand your journey. I too am in need of help after fighting stage 3 Breast Cancer within the last few months. I no longer know who I am or where I belong or what or where my path is taking me.
I thank you for sharing…I thank you for your honesty in trying to help and reach others.
Hi Donna. My prayers and wishes go out to in your battle with cancer. It’s a very different journey than what I will discuss, but there is a common thread of discovery. Please keep me posted on your progress.
Randy, you rock. Most likely, your blog will be psychologically very cleansing for yourself, helping you to acknowledge the past and move forward – that takes bravery & guts. As well, other people will be helped by your experience. I’m so proud of you.
Thanks, Valerie. Since I have known Tim, you and your family for over 50 years, you have had a glimpse of some parts of the journey. Yes – there is a personal “cleansing” that will go on as well hopefully helping others – a nice win-win!
I want to say how proud I am to have you as a cousin. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you are doing. Look forward to reading more about your journey. Thanks for sharing
Thanks, Shirley. Always a pleasure to hear from you! Thank you for joining me on this adventure.
Randy – Bravo for having the courage to tell your story! Too many people don’t want to tell their story. It’s like ripping off a bandaid – you know it’s gonna hurt like hell but you’ve got to do it. It’s all about a journey of healing to get to closure. Too many people/families are embarrassed to tell their stories – why air their dirty laundry? but is has to be told. I feel that people who tell the truth and their stories are the bravest of all. At first it will be difficult – but it will get easier with time. The hardest part is acknowledging the elephant in the room. So many people are monkey see, monkey do, etc…. nothing to see here – move along! Problem? What problem… everything is hunky dory. Denial is not only a river in Egypt.
Thanks, Marie. In some ways, I am fortunate enough to have closure. The removal of band-aids might trigger some stuff off – so be it. The end goal is worth it.
Have looked forward to reading this since we talked at Stonewalls. Thank you for your decision to share very vulnerably to demonstrate how what we perceive as outcome is rarely acurate. I look forward to following more of the hope that has been realized in your life journey.
Thanks, Lisa. It took a while to get the ball rolling – some techno stuff, but even a little more nervousness. Thank you for joining me on this path. It means a lot.