Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

What a load of crap.

Sure, words might not directly leave bruises or draw blood, but to pretend they don’t hurt … I don’t think so.

Over time we learn to toughen up emotionally. We create emotional callouses which seem to protect us, but these can also cause us to become more emotionally numb.

My First Heartache

My first girlfriend was Melody. I moved in to Wesley House when I was 16 years old. It was a group home designed to help troubled teens transition towards living on their own. Mel caught my eye almost right away. She was brunette, had a bright smile and was simply beautiful. I can still vision her bouncing down the main hall of the group home, energized by high-flying spirit that captivated me. I was in near shock when she agreed to go to a movie with me and we went out for a few months. I was on cloud nine … until she dumped me.

I spent the following couple of weeks after being dumped with my headphones on, crying and bellowing out Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” and other songs that kept me locked in the emotional dungeon this heartbreak put me in. It didn’t help that we lived in the same house. Eventually I realized this dungeon didn’t have a key and I walked out, replacing my Barry Manilow music choices with Elton John, Queen and others.

That was my first real heartache and even though I would have a few more to follow, this one seemed to hurt the most. Did this one “toughen me up” for the next ones to come? Maybe so, but it also numbed me a bit. It also made me a little more guarded in the future. I have had some wonderful relationships and I am currently married to the love of my life, yet that first break-up put a dent in me that lingered, whether or not I noticed it or would pretend otherwise.

Same thing happens with words and names.

Words Other People Use

Kids are quite creative in finding ways to get under the skin of others – at least it was the case at my school and I am quite certain it was isolated to Sherwood Heights Elementary School. In grade 2 or 3, the other kids starting calling me “Basset Hound”. Given my fragile self-image at the time, this bothered me … a lot. Did that stop the kids from riding that one? Absolutely not. In fact, they hounded me (pun intended) up to grade 8, and they only got better at. For instance, they modified “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and, using the same tune, they came up with a whole new set of words for a song entitled “The Hound Dog Sleeps Tonight”.

I know this seems weak, but at that time, I was weak at my core. On the surface I played lots of recreational sports and would occasionally get in schoolyard scuffles. I could take a baseball line-drive to the eye or a welt caused by a hockey puck. These would never get past the surface to enter my inner space. Yet, a well-selected choice of words could easily slice within me like a fine stiletto, igniting emotional flames kept hidden from the insulation of a masked exterior.

Over time the thin shield that protects my interior grew a bit thicker, but it is still prone to piercing from the right (or wrong) set of words. I believe it is true for everyone. No matter how tough the outside seems, words alone can slice into that core.

Words I Used Myself

There is a lot of chattering that goes on between my ears on a regular basis. I know I am not alone. When I ask someone “What’s on your mind” and they reply “Nothing”, I know that is not true most of the time, but they don’t feel like talking about it.

Even right now I am thinking about the next few lines in this blog – the words, sentences and flow. But I am also thinking “I hope we have all the stuff ready for this fundraiser today”, “should I go upstairs to put more cream in this shitty coffee”, “I wonder if anyone ready this post will be offended that I used the word ‘shitty’”, etc.

The internal chatting can help or hinder.

Recently I took this internal discussion to a different level. I was trying to sort out some stuff in my business. I had read a lot of material, but is seemed like a swirling tornado of data in my head. So I decided to interview me. That’s right – me! I set up a bunch of questions and sat in a chair (only need one chair when interviewing myself). I asked and answered the questions out loud. This odd process cut through the clutter and helped create some needed clarity. The gain from doing this far exceeded how ridiculous it might have looked to someone else.

Not All Internal Discussions are Helpful

Even now, my mind frequently fills with self-doubt and scorn. For instance, I have to fight through the internal thoughts that “I am not a good writer” and “who really cares about these posts”. There is another part within me that knows otherwise, but the interior battle over this still rages.

These internal fights went on in my teens, but they were more one-sided affairs. Thoughts such as “you’re not good enough”, “you’re stupid” and “you’re a loser” would easily fly through my mind. Every time I was crushed or beat down by my father, these ideas of worthlessness would get reinforced and simply became beliefs I had about myself.

The problem is that I had little inside me to counter these thoughts and beliefs. They simply became the platform upon which I grew. It was who I became. How would I know differently as a child or teen? These thoughts ran rampant like a smothering internal dictator. These thoughts won all the time when I was younger. I could escape them by drowning them alcohol. I also thought about turning them off completely by committing suicide.

Over time, with the help of friends, family and therapists, these negative thoughts slowly received some opposition. There is still internal struggles and will likely always go on. They don’t win very often anymore, but sometimes they still do.

The Counter Attack

For me, I didn’t just simply “toughen up” over time. I learned there were other realities about me that I had to internalize to counter the beliefs built from my youth. Some of these realities I saw on my own, but many were brought to attention many times over.

I believe this is the transformation steps for many people. This is why I believe it is important to let teens, youth and many adults know they are worthy and that they matter. For youth and teens, this can help minimize the negative internal forces from growing. For adults, it can help the counter force needed to beat back their negative beliefs. It certainly did for me.

The goal is to damper the internal fire. How do we do this?

With words.