Although I was eventually able to attend university, my path to a degree was not straight or overly well-lit. It was a maze with no overhead view of the next few turns or even if there were any turns ahead. Before each turn was a comfortable pocket of space, enticing me to stop and bathe in the comforts it offered. These various rooms would offer alcohol, drugs or other objects of deception to keep me from even moving forward or even looking forward.

My way out of the maze was not a solo effort. The compounding effect of people lending a hand or simply saying the right thing at the right time helped to cast enough light and navigation to lead me along. Without the gracious touch of so many people in my younger years, I would have been stuck in the maze, never knowing what could have been.

One of the most influential people in my life was a math teacher named Doug Johnston. One particular 15-minute conversation with Doug cast needed light on my life and contributed to my future in ways that only time would reveal.

This is my thanks to Doug.

Return to School  

I never graduated from high school. I dropped out of grade 11 four times from 3 different schools. It was not meant to be.

Instead, I worked at a variety of jobs, making enough to buy cigarettes and beer. Since I was 17 and living on my own, I also covered rent and food. I lived in a one-room bachelor apartment, with enough furniture to be comfortable. The kitchenette, not much bigger than a closet, was hidden behind sliding doors. I paid $103/month for this gem and it felt like a piece of paradise.

My girlfriend, Ann, and I seemed inseparable. Our youth and unbridled libidos kept the flames stoked. I thought we were going to last forever, until she decided that greener pastures existed in the bedroom of one of my drinking buddies. After a brief period of drinking myself to sleep while wailing out Barry Manilow’s Mandy, I realized I needed a change. Since my girlfriend parted with me, the lack of horizontal gymnastics gave me a lot of time, which I decided to fill by going back to school.

Upgrading

After reviewing some options, I decided to get my high school equivalency through Mohawk College. The program had continual intake which meant I could start whenever I wanted. Since it was designed so that students could work at their own pace and write exams when they were ready, it had just the right balance of freedom and structure.

It took 30-40 minutes to get to the campus by bus which I did not mind. I went to school every day which was much different than when I was previously in high school. And it was different in so many other ways. I was now going because I wanted to go, not because I was being told to do so. Plus, I was on a path to show Ann and others in my life that they had made a mistake in discarding me.

The program was broken up into 3 sections: English, science and math. For each section, there were teachers available to help. My math teacher was Doug Johnston – who would become one of the most impacting people in my life.

Meeting Doug 

Of the three sections I had to tackle to get my grade 12 equivalency, math was the one I dove into first. I always liked math and had a knack for it. Doug was the teacher who was in the classroom, available to help any student who needed it. Since it was continual intake and most people were at different places in the curriculum, there was no way to have proper lectures. I generally did not need much help in math, but Doug was always close by if questions arose.

I am not sure why we started meeting outside of the classroom. Maybe it was the math or that we both liked hockey. Or maybe it was simply that our personalities connected. Doug was full of energy. His leg was fidgety, constantly moving and he had a loud, boisterous laugh. He also had a strong, confident voice which I admired.

Over time, we started playing cards together in the cafeteria with some other students and going out for the occasional beer after school.  Sometimes we ended up at his house and played ping-pong over a couple of beers. (I hope we did not drive his wife too crazy). Doug was my friend.

Opening the Door

Our friendship had no bearing on my marks in math because my entire mark was based on one final exam – and there is little room for interpreting answers in math. Answers are right, or they are wrong. In fact, the one mistake that I made on the exam could have been overlooked, but Doug was right in marking it as incorrect. I got 159/160 on the final exam. I am not mentioning this to toot my own horn, but rather to note this test result was something Doug would refer to many times.

After I finished the math section, I still had science and English to work through. Even though I was no longer in the math class, Doug and I still met quite often over cards, beer and ping-pong. He would occasionally bring up the math exam mark, noting it was the highest mark on that exam he had ever seen. He would say it with a level of pride that made me feel uncomfortably good about myself. Up to this time, I had often been told what I should or could be doing in school. Accomplishments were rarely acknowledged.

Late one afternoon, Doug and I were sitting in the cafeteria, having a cigarette and enjoying each other’s company. Doug then brought up a topic that no one had ever discussed with me: going to university. Before that moment, I never gave it the slightest thought. The notion of me going to university never entered my mind, but something strange happened in that afternoon with Doug.

He not only asked if I considered going to university, but he told me that I would do well there. This was all new to me. He talked to me about his own university experiences, which further raised my intrigue in this previously unknown world. This small seed of possibility planted by Doug grew quickly and became a driving force in my life. He flipped the switch that gave me the light I needed to guide me to a brighter future than I ever dreamed of. All from a single conversation.

Lost Touch

I eventually graduated from Mohawk College with my high school equivalency. Doug and I still connected, but since I was not on campus daily, it was less frequent. As time passed and circumstances changed, we lost touch.

I never forgot Doug. As time continued, the power of that single conversation became more evident. Going to university did not define my character, but it did open doors and opportunities that likely would not have been available to me otherwise. It helped point me in directions that took me to the wonderful life I get to enjoy today.

I always wanted to reach out and say thanks to Doug. With the Internet at my fingertips, I searched for Doug several times with minimal success. I eventually tracked him back to the Math Department at Mohawk College. By the time I did so, he had retired. I would check again after a little while, but only ever found him in some Mohawk College archive articles.

Looking back, I could have contacted some people in the Math department who know Doug and who might have been able to connect us. Unfortunately, I did not do that. After all, there would always be time to do that later … or would there be.

Found Doug

A few weeks ago, I decided to look for Doug once again. This time I found an article about Doug outside of the Mohawk College world. Unfortunately, it was Doug’s obituary. He had passed away in 2018 from cancer. This article broke my heart, layering a cloud over me for a few days.

In the obituary, it said, “Doug touched the lives of all who knew him”. I am evidence that statement is true. I never really thought that I would not be able to say thanks to him in person. Being 60 years old, I know we are not eternal, but I was duped by the illusion of tomorrow. I can no longer look at him in the eyes to say thanks, but his conversation with me was one of the 4 biggest turning points in my life – only behind the moment I met Sue and the birth of my two kids.

The Delusion of Eternity

The history of time passing and its apparent unending state deludes many of us into thinking it will never run out. That there will always be a tomorrow. Our treasure chest of tomorrows that have come into our lives masks that idea that the well of tomorrows is bottom-less.

Since reading about Doug’s passing, I have been pondering what I should do with my remaining time. I am no longer blinded by the light of eternal tomorrows.

I have spent so much time filling my space and time excuses about the one thing I am most passionate about – writing. Always believing I will have time. I am no longer going to tolerate these excuses from myself.

Thank You

It seems that Doug touched me in such a profound way 40 years ago, but he also reached out and touched me from beyond the grave. He has opened my eyes wider to what I need to do.

Thanks, Doug – for then, for now and forever.